To be honest, I am not sure I knew anyone who had a stay at home dad growing up. It was definitely not the norm in society and it absolutely would have been looked down on in my church circles. 

After all, wasn’t the man supposed to be the provider and the breadwinner? 

Two instances began to call this into question for me personally. 

First, when my husband lost his legal ability to work due to his immigration visa status. This rocked our world because what was supposed to be a month or two of his inability to provide even a dollar financially for our family, turned into seven months of unemployment. The original news of his visa trouble came when I was in my second trimester with our first baby. The timing was horrible. 

Thank the Lord I had a solid teaching job that would provide for at least our rent and a few other necessities but living in the San Francisco Bay Area meant one income simply could not cut it, even if we weren’t in debt or any other financial hole. 

So, our savings began to drain, and to help slow the drain, I picked up nannying during the summer. All of this, while my poor husband struggled horribly with depression because his pregnant wife was picking up extra work to provide, all while he was stuck at home. My poor husband couldn’t even drive because his license was also revoked. He became a prisoner and I became the breadwinner. 

Nothing like your world turning upside down to make you evaluate your world view. 

Watching my husband deal with shame and depression over our situation broke my heart. I was hurting for our situation, and his pain, but I was not in any way upset over having to help my family in this way. See, I have never had any issue with working and did so willingly. But, working hard while watching your money run out at the same time….that’s a bit different. 

During this time, I went to get a haircut from a friend. She was a former youth leader of a youth group I attended for a short time and, long after I stopped attending the group, I continued to go to her as a stylist. During this time, covid regulations were still incredibly strict in our state and her profession was struggling. 

She was being vulnerable with me about her situation, her faith in God, and how He was coming through for them. In the course of the conversation, she mentioned that her husband became a stay at home dad so she could do more work since her client base was stronger and she could bring in more income. 

Again, a time to evaluate my world view. 

Maybe at this point you’re wondering why these things would make me have to question my world view? What’s the big deal? Why does it matter who works and who stays home?

Well, if you grew up like I did, it would have mattered a great deal. 

The church circles I come from emphasized a man that went to work and a wife that stayed at home to raise the kids. Well….some mom’s worked but, that was just on the side…they definitely emphasized the way they could care for their family and their home. 

Addressing the moms in this equation is a different topic altogether. But, from my viewpoint, the identity of a godly man seemed tied into the idea that he was the breadwinner and financial provider for his family. 

To be completely honest, I couldn’t even tell you the verse they typically used to promote this church norm. Maybe they didn’t have one? But, it was well understood. 

So, I decided to challenge that narrative. Not because I wanted to be rebellious and tear down the idea of a dad that went to work and mom that homeschooled and cooked homemade bread, but because I had decided not to accept what I was told to believe until I could find the biblical basis for that belief. 

So, I went online and looked up verses on the role of a man. The most compelling verse, that I assumed would have been used to defend the position I was raised on, was 1 Timothy 5:8 “But if any provide not for his own, and specifically for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel”.

Case closed? Not quite. 

If you are programmed to read this with the idea that “provide” simply means “money” then maybe it would be a slam dunk. But, is that what the verse says? 

The word “provide” in greek is “pronoeo” and it means “to consider in advance i.e. look out for beforehand”—no mention of money. 

I don’t know about you, but I find that my husband provides or “pronoeo” for my family in so many more ways than just financially. 

He provides physical protection—he values training in order to maintain the ability to protect.

He provides love—unconditional love. 

He provides joy and laughter—he is the sunshine in our days. 

He provides peace and calm—against my waves of feminine emotion. 

He provides safety emotionally—allowing vulnerability to flourish. 

He provides spiritual leadership—he is consistent in growth. 

He provides service—he is a true servant leader. 

All of this and so much more. Why would I reduce this concept of “pronoeo” down to something as trivial as money? 

It is such a shame to me, that any man might be made to feel as if they are “less of a man” or “out of God’s will” or “an infidel” if they have a season of unemployment, are called to pursue something that doesn’t come with a paycheck, or agree to stay home with the kids so that their wife can pursue God’s call on her life. 

If you ask me, there is nothing in Scripture that condemns a man if he doesn’t make a single dollar for the family, so long as their needs are being met. In fact, I think the Bible has far more to say about the man that brings home a paycheck but checks out on the couch for all the hours between 5pm and bedtime. Does this sound like “pronoeo” to you? 

I have seen men in ministry positions that are the only breadwinner in their family but have abandoned “pronoeo” in every other sense of the word. 

I have seen men that travel far more than they are home. 

I have seen men that are at church far more than they are at home. 

I have seen men so tired from their “calling” that they barely have time to date or serve their wife. 

I have seen men so stressed from their ministry that they can only keep a shallow relationship with their kids. 

Yet, they are praised in the church. 

If you ask me, we need to re-evaluate this concept of what the role of the man is—biblically. 

Does our idea of what God’s design for a godly man ought to be line up more with Scripture or culture? 

Do we have these ideas because of an era like the fifties or because of the gospel? 

Have we actually sat back and determined whether or not we have a strong biblical basis for these beliefs? Or, are we basing it off of the instagram account we like to follow about a “biblical home”? 

Just because it’s loud, doesn’t mean it’s right.