I remember the moment so well. 

I was four years old. 

I do not have any other memories from that young age but this event is one I cannot forget. 

My mom was sick….very sick. 

We were living with my great grandma just so someone could help her take care of us kids. 

My mom was confined to a dark room where I would often hear moans emanating.

The only time she left the bed was when my dad would half carry her to the bathroom to use it. 

The entire way there and back she would moan, cry, and drag her head along the wall. 

I’d never been so scared in my life. 

What did this mean? 

Were we losing her?

Would we be living with my dad who I barely ever saw because he worked so much? 

Would we be able to see all our same friends and attend church on our own since our dad didn’t attend?

Who would mother us? 

To be honest, in retrospect, I think it was this life event that started my journey with health anxiety. 

_________________________________________________________________

One night, I snuck into my mom’s room. She was doing a bit better and a dim lamp was on.

I told her I was scared. I told her I didn’t want to lose her. I asked her if she was going to die.

I’ll never forget the rest. 

She told me she couldn’t give me an answer because she couldn’t know the future. 

She told me that only God holds that answer. 

She instructed me to pray, saying I could ask God if she would die and sit quietly awaiting His reply. She told me He could answer one of three ways. 

He could say “yes” my mom would die. 

He could say “no” my mom would not die. 

Or He could say “wait” meaning He would not give a definitive answer yet. 

So, I did. I prayed and I sat waiting—eagerly waiting. 

And, a short time later, I felt a peace rush over me and a word being whispered into my heart.

I told my mom “I think He answered. I think He said “no” your mom is not going to die”

I had heard right. My mom did not die. She is alive to this day. 

But what did die that night, was my fear. I cannot recall any fear during that trial after that night. 

That encounter marked me. I have never been the same since. It gave me the key to a faith all of my own, in the secret places of my heart. 

It introduced me to a Father that cared, a Father that saw me, and a Father that was interested in speaking to a little four year old girl in an expansive galaxy. 

_________________________________________________________________

This was the first but definitely not the last time I would hear from Him. 

The next encounter I can recall would be after learning a practice called “Dear Daughter”. (This is something I will cover in a future blog post.)

I was at Villa Montalvo in California. 

My family had gone there for a time to practice quiet and spend time with the Lord. 

I found an harbor in a flower garden and decided it would be the prefect place to practice hearing from Him. 

I opened my journal, wrote “dear daughter” at the top of the page, prayed a quick prayer, and sat still—to listen. 

Then, I began to write. 

I wrote several pages before I took pause. I read over the pages and my heart sang. It was just what I needed. But there were some words that I felt like the Lord was telling me were from His Word. 

So, I took to google and searched those specific words. Sure enough, a passage in Psalms that I had never read before but tied in so beautifully to the answered prayer and a children’s book that had inspired me as a young girl. 

I was amazed. It wasn’t a fluke or a convoluted memory—it was real. God did speak to me at four years old and He had spoken to me again on this day. 

_________________________________________________________________

There have been less “grand” moments where I exercised this practice in my life. But, the next one I wish to share with you had massive impact. 

I had been dating Stephen for a while. Things were getting serious or at least there was no where else they could go in our minds. There was no doubt we loved each other and we began to discuss the very real possibility of marriage. 

We both confessed that we didn’t see a future without the other but agreed that we would ultimately follow God’s call on our lives. So, a bit more time goes by and I realized that I was all in on this man. 

One day, I threw up a quick prayer. I knew myself. I had a penchant for overthinking and, with the tumultuous marriage that raised me, I was nervous about making a decision that would one day backfire. I was determined not to be blinded by love. 

So, I told the Lord that if He didn’t make it exceedingly plain, I would be moving forward into marriage. But, I requested that He give me some kind of confirmation to hold onto that Stephen was in fact the one He had for me. I told Him I didn’t want to be a Gideon but that, as a Father, I was asking for reassurance that could weather any future storm (should they come).  

I did not receive an immediate answer and to be honest, I forgot about the prayer. 

Until one night, after having an intense battle with anxiety, writing my prayer time in my journal, and practicing hearing from the Lord, I finally felt a sense of peace and calm—so sweet it almost brought tears to my eyes. 

I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving that He was so present in these hard times and that He spoke so much love, grace, and peace over me. 

I remember, after hearing from the Lord regarding my situation, just how remarkably similar it sounded to how Stephen would often counsel me through my anxieties. 

Right after I prayed that prayer, and remarked on the similarity between my Savior’s voice and Stephen’s voice, I felt that familiar whisper… “What else do you need? This is my gift to you—someone who echoes my sentiments toward you.” 

Now the tears were flowing. 

He had answered my request for assurance that would ground me in my marriage and it was one of the sweetest encounters with the Lord I have ever had. 

The Lord knew Stephen, the Lord knew me, and He had gifted us to one another to be the physical reminder of a loving Father. Praise Abba!

_________________________________________________________________

There have been other stories I could tell that seem small in light of the stories I have already shared. 

There is the story of how the Lord told me I was having a daughter and placed her name in my path. 

There is the story of how the Lord told me I was having a son and brought his name to my memory. 

But, the last one I want to share with you is how the script was flipped one day in a way that encouraged me like not much else can. 

I was freshly postpartum with my son and they had found a mass in my abdomen. 

I was due for a check up to see what it might be but until that day arrived the anxiety that was berating my mind was intense. 

My husband, daughter, newborn son, and I went to a coffee shop as a nice family outing one weekend. On the way out of the coffee shop, a woman approached us and told us she is a Christ follower and felt led to ask us if there was any thing in particular she could pray for us. 

Stunned I almost went with my initial response when approached in public—”no thank you”. 

But almost without thinking, I began to tell her that they had found a mass and I was about to see a doctor to determine what might be wrong. I could barely hold back tears as I explained the situation. 

She asked if she could pray right then and there and in that coffee shop the Lord met us. 

Her prayer was beautiful but what mattered most was what that the Lord was showing up in my life through the obedience of one of His children. 

She had heard that whisper I was familiar with, she had answered His call for that moment, and I was beyond blessed by her relationship with the Father. 

I cannot tell you how seen I felt in that moment. I was overcome with emotion. 

Not only that, but I was deeply inspired! Inspired to listen more. Then, when I hear that voice, to obey. 

_________________________________________________________________

We are the hands and feet of Jesus! He has so much to say to the lost and hurting in the world around us….how much goes unsaid simply because we don’t listen? 

There is importance and beauty in learning to listen to Him as it pertains to your personal life but, the other side of that coin, is that once you know how to do that, then you get to utilize that connection to bring more sheep to the fold. We move from meaning to mission, passion to purpose, from abiding in Christ to striving together. 

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me” John 10:27