Sometimes I wonder if the work of reconstruction will ever be complete. I thought I had much of it worked through until certain conversations, books I read, or sound bites I heard lead me to question and dive even deeper. In a lot of ways, I don’t ever want it to be complete, because I am convinced, that would be a red flag. 

After all, in my perspective, once one deconstructs or “detangles” their faith, the rest of the journey through reconstruction is simply sanctification. Learning the true heart of God and His nature is the foundation to personal Spiritual growth. So, is this work ever really complete? 

Whether or not you are like me, and have experienced a deconstruction, I do think every Christian can relate to the struggle of sanctification in some way or another. Being stripped of our sinful habits is not a simple work and wading through the religious nonsense surrounding who God is may be even more complex. 

Let me be frank. There have been seasons where I was angry with God. There have been seasons where I was confused by God. There have been seasons where I have felt personally hurt by God. There have been seasons where I was discouraged about God. There have been seasons where I felt at a total loss. 

However, these are simply that—seasons! And you know what was arguably the most important thing about those seasons? Not whether or not I read my Bible every day or attended service every weekend. The most important thing about those seasons was that I was determined to wrestle with God—not without Him. 

Sometimes I think we feel the need to pull back from God when we wrestle with the extremely difficult questions we harbor our heart. 

Maybe we think God will be upset with us for even asking the question or struggling with it the way we do. 

Maybe we think God is annoyed that we are apparently having a setback in our faith because we struggle with sitting in a church service and we think we feel His disapproving gaze wondering why we aren’t serving or doing more for Him. 

Maybe we think God simply has no time or interest in our confusion regarding His goodness—maybe He just doesn’t care. 

I firmly believe all of that to be categorically untrue. 

God is not offended, hurt, or shocked by questions—even the shocking ones. Have you read the Psalms lately? David was brutally honest before God and He was a man after God’s own heart. In fact, there are many characters in the Bible that struggled with God. Many cried out in emotional anguish and God was kind to welcome them into His presence. 

See, to me, that’s the important factor that cannot be missed. Wrestling is not the issue, wrestling outside of His presence is. 

In the garden, God invited the now sinful Adam and Eve into His presence despite their new state. God pursued them even after they tried to cover themselves and hide. God asked them questions that He already knew because He sought relationship with them. How good is God?!

I believe that God takes this same approach today. Yet, the beauty now is that we are children of God and joint heirs because of Christ. Our struggles and sins are not divides but distance and we can choose to move toward our Father—or further away. (James 4:8a) 

Hebrews 4:16 tells us to approach the throne boldly. He invites us into presence. And you know the coolest part? He doesn’t invite us into the throne room once we’ve cleaned up and repented. He invites us in while we feel a mess. How do I know? Because the verse goes on to say that it is in that throne room where we will receive mercy and grace and help in our need. 

It is a lie of the enemy to convince you that your questions, your struggles, or your sinfulness is not welcome in His presence. The blood testifies that this is a lie! We have been covered. Our sinful rags are now His righteousness. (2 Corinthians 5:21) His blood bought my entrance into that throne room. Why would we willingly give up our birthright because of the enemy’s deception? 

We don’t have to, nor should we. 

I have found that the seasons where I have struggled and wrestled the most with God have actually been some of the sweetest seasons with Him. Because, I am being vulnerable before my Father. I am being seen and known in ways no one else may even be privy to. Our pastor says “to be 99% known is to be 100% unknown”. Did that hit you the way it hit me? Without 100% authenticity, we will always fear that if they knew the rest they’d abandon us or think differently of us. I do not want this to be true about my relationship with the Father. I want Him to know me—100% of me. 

In truth, I’m not striving for the title “good and faithful servant” as much as I long to hear things like “my daughter after my heart”, “my friend”, and “welcome home”. 

There have been days where I have prayed for Him to reveal His goodness to me because I couldn’t see it. I have had days where I have silently screamed before Him with absolute bewilderment regarding my understanding of His nature. But, He is faithful! He did not condemn my wrestling and He continually drew me into presence as I sought His face. 

I have to sing His praises as He has very recently brought me out of one of my greatest wrestling seasons. He has answered me exceedingly above my wildest expectations and I am beyond grateful. I feel so seen, so loved, and so in awe of Him. He is truly so so good—in every sense of the word. 

As much as the wrestling season was difficult, what I feel now makes it all worth it. There was no boasting or beauty in my struggle, in my wrestling or in my feeble efforts to cling to Him. The beauty was in His kindness to invite me into presence, to meet with me, to love me through the murky waters, and to guide me with His Spirit toward Truth. 

He is the beauty. 

Don’t miss out on that beauty. For when the night is at its darkest, that shining light is incandescent.