I often hear podcasts, sermons, or conversations surrounding how to know if the person you’re dating is “the one”. There are so many angles to this conversation and the answers vary greatly. 

Over the years, the most common answer I have heard is “you know when you know”. Even to the tune of “I know it’s annoying when people say this but it’s true, you just know when you know”.

Believe me, I understand where they’re coming from. I can relate to this sentiment and remember those feelings well. Meeting Stephen and becoming his wife was a wild ride—a beautiful journey. 

I even recall one evening, as we were sitting outside our college campus coffee shop where I had the craziest thought that felt so real it is still a vivid memory—“this boy is going to mean a lot to you one way or another…either this is going to be that one boyfriend that will one day hurt you to lose, or this is going to be your husband”. 

I had known him for less than a month—we were just barely friends at the time. 

So—I get it. It really can sound like a fairytale. 

However, the more I dwelt on this topic the more I hoped to offer some true assistance in this area. Surely there has to be something more tangible to offer young people looking for the right kind of spouse. 

So, if you care to know my take—I have boiled it down to one singular quality I would recommend you look for in a spouse. No, this not the most important quality of all but it is the best all encompassing quality I can think to offer.

Look for someone with a growth mindset. 

Maybe you have heard this term before or maybe you have not. In truth, I only heard this term about two years ago for the first time. But, the more I learned about it the more I realized it embodied everything I admired about my husband. 

Let me begin by what a growth mindset is not. 

If you try to bring up a concern to your boyfriend/girlfriend and they shut you down without hearing you out or even considering what you are saying—they do not have a growth mindset.

If they are quick to reject constructive criticism from authority—they do not have a growth mindset.

If someone younger than them that knows more on a given topic tries to teach them something but they dismiss them as too young to have solid advice—they do not have a growth mindset. 

If you try to discourage unhealthy behaviors, either physically, mentally or emotionally and they respond with “that’s just who I am”—they do not have a growth mindset.

You know how I know? I was “they”. I had a fixed mindset until being around Stephen began to shift everything and I slowly developed into a growth mindset. 

It is truly one of the greatest gifts my husband gave me.

One day he suggested I try working out because he enjoyed it, thought we could enjoy it together and it was a healthy practice—I shut him down immediately saying it wasn’t my thing.

One day he suggested I try eating less candy and junk food because I often complained about feeling unwell—I shut him down saying it was something my family enjoyed doing and therefore was tradition. 

One day he suggested I try being more friendly, outgoing, and pursue more friendships, saying it would better my life overall—I shut him down claiming that I am simply an introvert so he couldn’t understand. 

Well, guess what? 

I love working out. It has become such a therapeutic past time for me and has truly kept me sane and energetic in motherhood.

I don’t eat candy much anymore and I have shifted into ninety-five percent organic whole foods. It feels amazing!

I have embraced making friendships and found out that I really enjoy hosting. I no longer let being an introvert define me.

Do you know how much joy and wellbeing I would have missed out on if I had remained in my old ways—rejecting growth? 

What felt like a personal attack due to my close mindedness was really just Stephen showing his love for me in trying to encourage healthier habits. In Stephen’s words “I want you to live a long life with me. So it’s kind of selfish reasons” haha I’ll take it!

The crazy thing is…now that I have adopted a growth mindset I have even challenged Stephen to grow in return. 

He tells me I have pushed him to grow in his parenting, his understanding of the gospel, and in believing in himself/having confidence. 

Do I take pride in this—no. I was simply being used by God, but you know how it all started? I had to be open to growth. 

Really, that’s step one—Never stop growing! Never stop growing in every relationship and facet of life. 

Step two—find someone committed to the same. Find someone committed to endless growth. 

Personally, being in a relationship with two people committed to growth has been such a wonderful experience! I believe it makes both of our individual lives better as well as improves our marriage relationship—not even to mention our parenting. 

Things that stop growing…die. Maybe that’s all that needs to be said.