Why? Why did it have to happen this way? Did you have it wrong all along? Did you ever really hear His voice? Did you waste all those years? Did they care about you at all? What was real—was any of it real?

You were raised in this denomination. You were sold out to this church. You followed the planned path for your life. You went to the schools and the colleges, finally landing at the goal—vocational ministry. 

Everything you’d done was so as to not soil the testimony that would dictate how successful your experience in ministry was. You avoided appearances of evil, you didn’t dare question leadership, you didn’t second guess the convictions you were told to hold onto, and all you ever did was say “yes” to their demands. 

How could it end this way? How could it end and leave you with nothing? 

You had bent over backwards for the school. You had allowed them to cut you down while you stayed silent. You permitted them to dictate practically every aspect of your life. 

You ended up in a ministry position. You took on multiple roles because you were willing to sacrifice for the success of the church. You loved your church family fiercely. You served them wholeheartedly. You desired growth and influence for your church. You supported the pastor and leadership because you wanted a genuine relationship as co-laborers kicking a dent in the darkness. 

How could it fall apart like this? Where did it all go wrong? Did you miss the warning signs somewhere? Could you have saved or salvaged what was? 

The reality? You didn’t leave because you wanted to. In fact, the desire to remain was proof that God’s call was true. 

But, it was time to walk away. 

You didn’t leave because you didn’t love. In fact, your love made the leaving feel like it would rip you in two. You left a piece of your heart with those you loved, those who poured into you, those you were in the trenches with, those you respected—but couldn’t agree with anymore. 

The tug of war had been there for some time. But, now, you were no longer just a product of the system….you had become the system. You were the denomination.

So what was happening? What changed?

You grew. You started listening to Him more. You actually had learned to study the Bible in those schools and finally began to apply what you learned. 

As you drew nearer, you began to see clearer. 

The truth you were taught was tainted. The Word was steadfast but the teaching was twisted. The truth you’d been taught to believe was riddled with tradition and man-made excess. 

The leaders you were taught to follow without question were—human. The difference, however, was in the lack of accountability. How do you follow a human who behaved as if they did no wrong? How do you follow a human who saw their apologies as a bandaid instead of an opportunity for true repentance? 

The biblical mandates you were told to teach with unwavering loyalty—were muddled. There was no room for the Spirit there. There was no room for true individual soul liberty.

So, what was left to conclude then? 

If much of the truth you built your life on turned out to be a facade…how would you respond? 

Maybe you turn a blind eye and stay. 

Maybe you acknowledge and decide it’s not worth the trouble to go. 

Maybe you have this fire in your chest that cannot be contained. You know that the only way you can live out the full Biblical idea of the gospel is to do as the disciples did all those years ago—follow Him—even if that means you leave everything you’ve ever known. 

So you decide that He is worth it all—and you leave. 

This one is for you. 

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He sees you. He holds the tears you’ve cried in a bottle. “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.” Psalm 56:8a. He knows the rejection you feel. He knows the isolation that overwhelms you. He sees the inward wrestling you endure. 

And, you know what? 

He is pleased with you. He walks with you. He is guiding your steps. He is here to sit with you in the wrestling. He does not condemn you. He does not shame you. He is not angry with you. 

He is okay with the questions. He is not insulted by your doubt. He walks toward you. He applauds your efforts to follow Him even when it’s hard. 

He wasn’t in the guilt. 

He wasn’t in the shame. 

He wasn’t in the words that questioned the motivations of your heart unnecessarily. 

He wasn’t in the cutting down of your identity as a child of God. 

He wasn’t in the legalism. 

But, He was there.

All the good you’ve ever known about your faith….that was Him.

Any grace you’ve been shown….that was Him. 

Every kind word of encouragement….that was Him. 

All the beautiful moments where you felt drawn into peace…that was Him. 

Each friend that walked alongside you and encouraged your heart…that was Him. 

Any authority figure that welcomed your humanity without shaming you…that was Him. 

But, just because He was there, doesn’t mean he didn’t weep. 

He wept when they called you all the things He never said about you. 

He wept when they told you your sin turned His face away from you. 

He wept when they said you were too dirty to be used. 

He wept when they said you had to perform for His love. 

Please know….He isn’t everything you experienced. He is far better. 

Don’t get discouraged. Don’t lose heart. Keep pursuing relationship. 

He is worth the struggle and the pain. Jesus is worth it all! 

Following Him is beautiful. 

Living according to true Biblical mandates is peace.

A real relationship with Him is not one-sided. 

Being a son—is freedom.