Something arrested my heart the other night.

I was dealing with anxieties surrounding a family health crisis and was feeling like I was drowning in emotions that I couldn’t get on top of. It made me feel like I wanted to go to sleep for a few weeks and wake up when we had more answers. See, I understand that life is hard, and I’ve lived through hard seasons but something about this time felt like I was looking for the eye of the storm but couldn’t find it. 

One particular night, I was feeling exhausted and overcome. Obviously, I knew that the rest I was looking for was found in the Lord. My brain was reasoning that I had prayed every night, listened to worship music, and talked with family and friends, etc. So, why was this still so hard?! 

That’s when I heard this phrase… “Acknowledging God is not the same as relying on God”.

I had to recognize the reality that prayers and reminding my head about my faith was only acknowledging God and His sovereignty in the situation, but true reliance—the peace I longed for—was found in relationship. 

I can pray and not enter His presence. Relationship is not one-sided. What did I need? To be still and know. 

Maybe the key to the knowledge leaving my head and entering my heart is the stillness—the calm. The God I have seen in Scripture is more inclined to whisper an invitation to our hearts rather than shouting over the noise. Maybe He is calling but I can’t hear it because I refuse to tune out all the noise I’m using to distract myself from the emotional pain. Maybe He is calling but I can’t hear it because I haven’t allowed myself times of quiet where I can hear Him whisper assurances to my heart. 

Relying on Him means I need to let Him speak. The Spirit is the comforter but His is a still small voice. 

Acknowledgement, for me, looks like a nod at the Lord but relying on my emotional strength. But relying on Him, looks like me sitting at the feet of Abba and allowing Him to settle my tumultuous heart. 

My peace was on the other side of presence.