Through this wild journey of friendship over the years, I have learned some valuable lessons. I figured I could take some time to share them with you all in one place. 

Lesson One – Be sure your identity is in Christ alone

This could be a whole blog post in and of itself. However, this has to be the first place one begins when pursuing friendship. As I have demonstrated in my own life stories, when my identity is not firmly rooted in Christ, I end up falling into people pleasing, selfishness, and pride. It’s hard to see the needs of others when you are so consumed with meeting your own outside of Him. 

Lesson Two – Actively pursue friendship

I firmly believe that I could have had more friends over the years if I would have simply acted in friendship toward others. Often, I would wait for others to make the first move but what if I had taken the initiative? Maybe there are life long friendships that I missed out on simply because I was too self-focused to make someone else feel seen and valued.

Lesson Three – Let go of selfishness & pride

This kind of ties in with lesson two but this one is so important. Friendship is all about giving. No successful relationship is one sided. We have to be willing to look silly, or be disappointed, in order to make others feel loved. If I see friendship through the lens of what it can do for me, I will be sabotaging the relationship from the start. Give without expectation and watch those that value you reciprocate the relationship in a beautiful way. If my first thought is, ‘what will they think of me’? I have already missed the mark. 

I should be content to be a friend regardless. When we extend friendship in true selflessness and generosity, we are blessed simply in the doing, before the friendship is even reciprocated. (Acts 20:35b) 

Lesson Four – Be Generous with time & resources 

I have spoken a lot about generosity. Maybe you kept thinking that this was not something you could participate in due to a lack of monetary excess. Don’t worry. Generosity doesn’t always look like a dollar bill. Often generosity can be time. Generosity can be sharing your dinner. Generosity can be a ride to the airport. Generosity can be offering to babysit so another couple can have a date night. Generosity has many avenues. We can give of our time and resources alike. 

Lesson Five – Be Open & Vulnerable 

This point seems obvious but it is worth noting. A true friendship that lasts has to be deeper than pleasantries. There is a reason we have the word “acquaintance”. An acquaintance is not a stranger but it is only someone you know ‘slightly’. How many of us claim to have friends when we only have a group of kind acquaintances? A true friendship requires being known. This means we have to start answering “how are you?” with brutal honesty. 

Our pastor has said “to be 99% known is to be unknown”. How true that is. If we hold back, we rob ourselves of gospel community that can minister to our souls. I believe this is the kind of friendship the Lord desires for us—a friendship that renews and revives us instead of drains and overwhelms us. 

Lesson Six – Let your close friends find you

I used to think I could spot a good friend out of the gate or from a distance. To be fair, this was sometimes the case. However, I have also had plenty of pleasant surprises. What’s that saying…”don’t judge a book by it’s cover”? That becomes more real to me as the years go by. 

Lesson Seven – Say “yes” more often 

There will always be an excuse you can use to get out of time pursuing friendship—the kids, the housework, the errands, you’re tired, the nap schedule, the dogs, etc. Now, are there sometimes that these things are not excuses but need to actually take priority? Absolutely. But, we know the difference. If it’s just because deep down you don’t feel like hanging out—say “yes”. 

I’m sure I have many more lessons to learn. I’m looking forward to it. I truly feel like I’m only at the tip of the iceberg. But, since I know I am actively pursuing friendship with the people the Lord places in my path, it can only become more beautiful with time. 

I hope this will be true for you too.